Sometimes life can be so unfair. After all you have done, yet some people do not appreciate it. No one is perfect. Just one small mistake and I get all the blame. I have tried to be a better person. I tried to improve myself but it's never enough for them. What do they want from me? I really hate the threatenings. They know I am unable to support myself. What am I to do? I am still a student!!! 

Sometimes I wished I am dead dead dead!!!!

Walking and talking zombie

Wow it has been so many days I did not update my blog. Reason? These past few weeks have been a bad week for me. Why am I feeling as if my depression is back to attack me again? I thought I have overcome it but here I am feeling almost the same few years back after my parents passed away. I am feeling the wall that I have overcome so many years ago is back to torment me. I don't know why all of a sudden these feelings are back.

Could it be because of my studies or my family? Everyday I am being blamed for my past mistakes even when I do not repeat the same mistakes again, they will sure to bring it back and remind me. No one is perfect!! I think compared to some other teenager I am much better as I am able to do many things some teenagers are not able to do exp. cooking, housekeeping, ironing even helping to take care of a sick old man. What more do they want me to be? 

All I could do is keep quiet. But when I keep quiet, they'll say they are talking to the wall. If I answer back they'll say I am an ungrateful child. If I get angry, they'll beat or pinch me. So what can I do? Sometimes to avoid them I will lie down on my bed at stare at the ceiling. I don't want to be like this. I am scared. I don't want to be depressed anymore. I want to tell myself I am through with depression. But am I really that strong? Can I make it through?

BOOKS!!! Money or your books?!!!! Should I choose books?

These are just some of the books I took a couple of months ago. Since then I have collected more.

I just can't get enough of reading books. I love reading. I started reading at the age of 3 and till now I have never stopped loving it. I won't get bored of reading even if I read the same book for 10 times. I remembered once after I have gone through all my books over and over again, I was going through my bookcase and I saw my bible and can you believe it? I went and read the whole bible. So now you know how crazy I am about books. Well for some girls they love flowers or diamonds but for me? Give me a book anytime and you are my friend for life hehe.

“He that loves a book will never want a faithful friend, a wholesome counselor, a cheerful companion, an effectual comforter."

Emotions : You are killing me

Why? Why? Why? Why am I feeling so emotional these day? Am I a problematic teenager? Why emotions are so highly strung and I feel as if I am a walking and talking time bomb. How do I get over it? I get angry easily. I cry easily. Why don't I get any support from my family? Instead they are the cause of all my problems. 

I need some freedom. Don't they understand? I am like a bird in a cage. A prisoner in my own house. I need fresh air even if its just for awhile. I am not allowed to go out. When I use my computer I get scolded. I make mistakes I get screamed and shouted at. What do they want from me? If I am such a burden, they should not have guaranteed to be my guardian. Why don't they just leave me in the orphanage? I am sure my life would have been better. 

All I need is for them to love me a little. Is that a lot to ask for? Even if they can't love me, at least show a little kindness or appreciation to me. I think I deserve even that. I can't answer them back or I will be called an ungrateful girl. Sometimes all I can do is scream on my pillow to let out my frustration but even that is not enough. 

Please God help me!!!