Posts

Even if I do not want to...

Yes. I know because of all these posts but I just can't help it. I have no

where or anyone to turn to. By posting, I feel as if a slight

burden have been lifted...

Oh!!! This is so true. Just the right words from my heart. Ever since that

day I have always wondered if you feel it too. Even if it's just for awhile...

All these years together...

I do not believe there aren't ...

Emotions

Now you see me Now you don't

To outsiders I may look like a happy go lucky girl but deep inside nobody knows I am dying. The only place I can really be myself is on my blog or my page.

Silent Tears

It's so torturing when u have to cry in silent. All those pent up emotions bursting on the brim. No one to talk to... No one to share my feelings...My pillow are full of tear stains from the nights I cry myself to sleep. Only my pillow can hear my screams. The nights when even crying was not helping at all and so I had to scream onto my pillow...Every night... the memories are the worst when I am lying on my bed...

Poetry and Poems

Yes I love poetry. I hope one day I would be able to write my own poetry. But meantime I will share others posts instead. What I post is how I feel when I am writing my blog. 

By ~Musings of a Poetic Soul~

I will never forget the way
   you made me feel...

           ...Like I was everything.


And I will never forget the way
   you made me feel...

           ...Like I was nothing

By Antonio M Arce

Empty Shell Of Me

You may see me as whole but in actual fact I am just an empty shell. Normal on the outside but dead inside...

Bitter Taste

  

It's so hard... so hard not to go back on my words... I told him I will not contact him anymore but each time I am on my facebook I had to force myself not to click on his profile to see if he posted anything or how he is doing. 

Damn... I really need something to distract my mind. I wonder how some people can get over a breakup... 

Closure

This time it's for real. No matter how much it hurts to let go... This is what he wanted so it's no point holding on when he definitely doesn't have anymore feelings for me. It's better to leave while we are still in good terms rather than it being on bitter terms. 

It was the hardest thing to say when I told him I am letting him go. I am sure he is glad I am doing this. This time he totally have no more commitments and he do not have to hide whatever he's doing anymore. I am very sure now he is happy.

As for me... woke up this morning and he is still the first thing on my mind. It's like a knife cutting me up. But I told myself it's for the best. For him so he can achieve what he wants and for me so I could move on. 

The Pain...

Sad Posts

I don't have the strength anymore...

Even if I want to... where can I run too? Whom can I run to?

The pain... it numbs my whole being...

The beginning was always the best... everything seemed so perfect. You'd think you can overcome any obstacle thrown at you. Because when you are in love... you are blind. Everything you do, every word uttered means so much because you're in love. But in the end? Shattered dreams... No more hopes... Insomnia... Nightmares... Waking up in the middle of the night crying till you go back to sleep with tears on your pillow...

I should have seen that coming...it's my fault for being so naive...

Nope... nowadays I can't even smile...

Will anyone even noticed if I am gone?

Help

         

I need help!! I really don't know what I am supposed to do. I am so lost... I thought by writing how I feel would help ease my pain but instead it brings back memories and its hurting so much more knowing what a stupid fool I am...

Posts

Yes My wall is back. It's getting higher and thicker than before...

You told me before you will always be there for me. You know what I was going through... All the empty promises that you gave to me so willingly...

Yes I feel like an empty shell now. It did not just died that day. It died ever since that day till now...

I hope u never have to feel what I am feeling now...

Game Over

I should have seen it coming but I have myself to blame. I didn't want to believe that he will leave me sooner or later. In my past blog I did say that he has changed and he really did. I told myself to believe that love can overcome anything. Boy... was I wrong. Thinking that he would change and try to love me more... what a joke!

Why tell me about his past when he does the same to me?  I thought by telling me his past, he won't repeat the same mistakes but I guess not. What do u expect from a rich guy who was a playboy before he met me? I guess now that he has started working and he has more opportunity to do what he likes or want. 

Why he tells me he loves me today and tomorrow he wants to break up? It's such a JOKE!!! Why must he play with my feelings? Maybe I am just a game for him. Now he is out to find a new game... and I am GAME OVER!!!

I Need A Closure

                                               

                                                            


Hi to those of u who still visits my blog. Sorry for not posting anything for so long. Life has not been kind to me especially at present. 

The person I trusted and believed in most have betrayed me. He kept hiding things from me but told me he did not hide anything from me. Its so hard. I want to believe what he said but evidences proves likewise.

He told me he is sorry for wanting to end this relationship. After so many years now he tells me this. He said he does not want any relationship as now he wants to concentrate on his job and also to find his meaning of life. He said if I want I can put all the blame on him. 

I still love him. It's breaking my heart like never before. I feel suffocated. I feel useless. I really don't know what to do. He is my world. He is everything to me. He has always been the only person who cared for me. No one cares for me. Not my family. Not my friends. Now I don't even know if I have any true friends as I feel no one cares if I am broken or not. 
I am such a fool for always believing what he tells me. But what can I say. Love is blind. I am not strong. He keeps asking me to be strong. How can I be strong if I am the one who is hurt? I have no one to rely on. No one to talk about my problems. Some nights I wake up in the middle of the night wanting to die. I can't eat well... I can't sleep well... I feel numb...

Everyday I had to hide myself and cry. Cried as if my heart is broken. Dear Lord... please help me... I am so lost... 

How I Feel

Present Life

Where do I start? Its been ages since I last wrote anything here. To continue from where I last blogged, well I am back with him again. Guess I just cant do without him. But things are not the same again. There seemed to be a barrier where there wasn't before. And it hurts knowing it exist. But what am I to do. I love him too much.

Now he is working and he has less time for me so I do understand. But sometimes when I message him he does not reply. Or it will take ages for him to reply. Sometimes he does not even read the messages. I just do not know how to describe my feelings now. I guess all I have to do is to accept that this is the way its gonna be. 

New Chapter In My Life

Broke off with my boyfriend of 5 years. I wished it won't come to this but no matter what, we have too much differences. Though it hurts like hell but still I feel its best we broke off. There are so many things that he wished for but I am unable to fulfill. I am so heartbroken even if it was me who wanted this. Its killing me slowly.

Dying inside bit by bit.

Silent Scream

Why do I feel as if I am being crushed by a boulder? Why am I such an insecure person? I guess this is my biggest flaw. I think too much. I have always been like this. Even before I do something I will always think about the outcome, the pros and cons. It can be good to think in advance but sometimes it can be hell when its not something u like.

I wished I could just scream out and let out my pent up feelings. My imagination is running wild. It could be a small matter to a certain person but to me its not. I wished I can have the feeling of being secured. I am the type of girl who always need to be assured because I don't even have confidence in myself... Life sux...

Longest days of my life

5 days. 5 days my internet was down. And they were the longest 5 days of my life. I am such an unlucky girl. But I think this is the 1st time I read so many books in 5 days .I am so glad I have my books to keep me company. But thank God the waiting is over now. Now I can continue with my life again.

The return Of The Black Sheep

Well guess I am back now. It has been more than a year since I last logged in. Many things has happened during the time I did not log in. The good and the bad and the worst.

Well I am still the same girl I was a year ago though I have matured tremendously this one year. Life is still the same. Still staying at home. Haven't started Uni yet because I am still helping to take care of an elderly family member. Life is bored as usual. Doing the same things. Having the same chores.

Well 2 nights ago my bro-in-law was in his usual good mood when he drinks. He was going to have his dinner and he saw there were not many spoons in the cabinet and he asked me where I put all the spoons. I told him they were all at the same place I put after I washed them. Then he asked me why there were so few and asked me what I did to them. I was already in a bad mood so I answered him back. I told him "How do I know? Do u think I ate it ?" Well I know I should not answer back but u should have heard the his tone when he asked me. He was accusing me. 

Next thing I know he threw his ashtray at me and it hit my hips. I know I should have avoided it but I was so mad that I just stood there and stared at him. He threw his dinner plate but it hit the wall coz I avoided the 2nd time he threw. I am so glad he did not use all his strength as I can see by the way he threw it, it was not with all his might or else I would have to go to the hospital.

I went directly to my room and let him shout whatever he wants. So sick of him and his abusive ways. Only think I was afraid is when he

goes to his friend's house to drink. Oh my. Every night he comes home drunk like hell. I do not know how my sis can stand him but who cares. Its her husband. After his dinner he went out.

I wanted to lock myself in my room tonight but I was afraid when he comes back he will scold me again and I was right. He came back, opened my door and started to shouting at me again and this time I kept my mouth shut and just stared at him. Maybe he hated my look and so he almost threw my hand cream at me but he stopped at the last moment when I used my hands to cover my face. Then he went out of my room and went to sleep in his room. Sis did not even come out to see what was wrong. I am so glad I did not lock my room or else he would have broken down my door.

Haiz. He is a really sick guy. Hate him. I should have told him to go attend some anger management course but I might get beaten up again. I just wished life is kinder to me. Is that so hard to ask for?