Sometimes life can be so unfair. After all you have done, yet some people do not appreciate it. No one is perfect. Just one small mistake and I get all the blame. I have tried to be a better person. I tried to improve myself but it's never enough for them. What do they want from me? I really hate the threatenings. They know I am unable to support myself. What am I to do? I am still a student!!! 

Sometimes I wished I am dead dead dead!!!!

Walking and talking zombie

Wow it has been so many days I did not update my blog. Reason? These past few weeks have been a bad week for me. Why am I feeling as if my depression is back to attack me again? I thought I have overcome it but here I am feeling almost the same few years back after my parents passed away. I am feeling the wall that I have overcome so many years ago is back to torment me. I don't know why all of a sudden these feelings are back.

Could it be because of my studies or my family? Everyday I am being blamed for my past mistakes even when I do not repeat the same mistakes again, they will sure to bring it back and remind me. No one is perfect!! I think compared to some other teenager I am much better as I am able to do many things some teenagers are not able to do exp. cooking, housekeeping, ironing even helping to take care of a sick old man. What more do they want me to be? 

All I could do is keep quiet. But when I keep quiet, they'll say they are talking to the wall. If I answer back they'll say I am an ungrateful child. If I get angry, they'll beat or pinch me. So what can I do? Sometimes to avoid them I will lie down on my bed at stare at the ceiling. I don't want to be like this. I am scared. I don't want to be depressed anymore. I want to tell myself I am through with depression. But am I really that strong? Can I make it through?

BOOKS!!! Money or your books?!!!! Should I choose books?

These are just some of the books I took a couple of months ago. Since then I have collected more.

I just can't get enough of reading books. I love reading. I started reading at the age of 3 and till now I have never stopped loving it. I won't get bored of reading even if I read the same book for 10 times. I remembered once after I have gone through all my books over and over again, I was going through my bookcase and I saw my bible and can you believe it? I went and read the whole bible. So now you know how crazy I am about books. Well for some girls they love flowers or diamonds but for me? Give me a book anytime and you are my friend for life hehe.

“He that loves a book will never want a faithful friend, a wholesome counselor, a cheerful companion, an effectual comforter."

Emotions : You are killing me

Why? Why? Why? Why am I feeling so emotional these day? Am I a problematic teenager? Why emotions are so highly strung and I feel as if I am a walking and talking time bomb. How do I get over it? I get angry easily. I cry easily. Why don't I get any support from my family? Instead they are the cause of all my problems. 

I need some freedom. Don't they understand? I am like a bird in a cage. A prisoner in my own house. I need fresh air even if its just for awhile. I am not allowed to go out. When I use my computer I get scolded. I make mistakes I get screamed and shouted at. What do they want from me? If I am such a burden, they should not have guaranteed to be my guardian. Why don't they just leave me in the orphanage? I am sure my life would have been better. 

All I need is for them to love me a little. Is that a lot to ask for? Even if they can't love me, at least show a little kindness or appreciation to me. I think I deserve even that. I can't answer them back or I will be called an ungrateful girl. Sometimes all I can do is scream on my pillow to let out my frustration but even that is not enough. 

Please God help me!!! 

A dream worth dreaming...

Somewhere in my dreams I hear your voice

Whispering gently....into thin air
At the edge of the mountain I close my eyes
Sensing your breathing...feeling you appear there

On the edge of my dreams I see your face
A twin soul......when we share eyes
At the edge of the mountain I catch my breath
Touching our finger tips...mouth goes dry

In the shadows of my dreams I taste your lips
So soft against mine like a warm rain
At the edge of the mountain my heart slows
Sharing our every breath....two hearts don't refrain

In the deepest part of my dreams I feel your touch
Breathless....from the warmth of your skin
At the edge of the mountain I open my eyes
Seeing only clouds....feeling.... within

On the edge of my dreams is where I want to stay
It's there...I'm forever in your arms...safe...sound
At the edge of the mountain I'll remain breathless
For me.....no greater love will ever be found

Will you always be there on the edge of my dreams?
Will you always meet me to the edge of the mountain?

I will wait for you...be there for you....always.

Bad day

I had a terrible day yesterday. Everything seemed to wrong. Nothing seemed right. Reasons?

1. Brother in law's off day. (quarrelled with him becoz he broke my slipper and now he won't buy me back a new slipper..that was my one and only slipper..now I've got to save money and buy one)
2. School. (hate the guy who sits next to me..haven't I given enough hints that I am not interested?)
3. Has some arguement with my bf. (why..why..why)

Let's hope today will be a better day.