I WANT!!!

Well so much so for doomsday. Well today is supposed to be doomsday as the Mayans predicted and here I am writing on my blog. I have been worrying myself sick because of this day. Silly me. So what if its really the end of the world? 

Well actually I really do not want the world to end yet. Hey!! There are still many things I have not done. I want to get married! I want to be a mother! I want to be a grandmother!! (if possible a great grandmother =P) 

There are still so many things I want to achieve. I want to be free from this place I called home. I want to be with the person I loved most. I want to always be beside him through thick and thin. Whatever life has to offer, I want to share with him because I love him so much =)

                    Here are some pics to share hehe

Lifeless

Recently I realized I got no mood for anything. As if I am a lifeless person. I can just stare into space and just go blank. I don't know why. 

Two nights ago when I was getting ready for bed. All of a sudden I feel so empty. EMPTY and HOLLOW!!!! I do not know why suddenly I felt like that. I never had it this bad before. I wanted to scream... but I am not alone at home so I had no choice but to control myself. Oh my. The feeling is terrible when you can't let out whatever frustration there is inside of you. I feel as if I am gonna burst. I was even thinking of knocking my head to the wall just to knock myself out.

I wanted to give up everything. I felt as if life is nothing. Life is mean. I feel as if I am just a shell. No one knows how I am feeling inside. Hell... I myself don't even know whats wrong. I just cried and cried softly to myself till my pillow is all wet with my tears. Then I think halfway through crying I fell asleep. 

Sometimes I wished I could just sleep forever and not wake up. I had to hide my feelings and emotions because I have nowhere to vent it. 

The next morning, I was walking like a zombie when I went to the market. There was no feelings in me. My mind was blanked. I just walked and walked until suddenly a car honked at me. Then I realized I was walking in the middle of the road which I did not even realize until the car honked at me. Luckily the road is just a small road and there were not many cars passing. After that I paid attention to where I was going.

Life is really meaningless...

I am like a living doll... lifeless

I am like these dolls. 

Missing Him Already

Today my bf is going for a holiday to China with his family. We talked awhile before he flew off. I am definitely going to miss him like crazy. It will be days when I won't be able to hear his voice.

What is wrong with him?

Last night I was feeling hungry and so I went to the kitchen to cook some instant noodles and what do you think he (bro-in-law) said? He said my eating habits are weird. Eating in the middle of the night and especially in the mornings. Hey, do you know what he was doing in the kitchen? Cooking his own supper. Every night he eats his supper at midnight and here he is saying I am weird. Isn't like the pot calling the kettle black?

He nagged and nagged till I can't even finish my noodles and so I had to throw it away. No appetite. Every time after he cooks or after he has finished eating, I had to wash everything especially when I wake up in the morning. I think he is a psycho. And normally when we cook a noodle we'd need a pot and a bowl thats all. But for him there will be so many things to wash that I wonder what type of special noodle it is.

Haiz, guess I complain too much...

Bad Luck or Jinxed?

So many bad things happened to me the for last few weeks. Firstly it was with my bf. 

Then my puppy named Loki was taken away to set free because they don't allow me to keep him. My poor Loki... I cried when they took him away but what can I do? He is such a cute puppy. Always loving and playful. I tried going back to the place where they set him free but I could not find him anymore...

Last week my pet sugar glider passed away in the early morning. I don't know what happened but a day before she passed away she seemed so weak that she could not hold up her head. I held her head and fed her some apples and after that she was better. Maybe she was hungry haiz. After that I played with her though she did not run actively over my body like before but I was happy enough. But unfortunately the next morning she died...

Two days ago I fractured my pinkie toe on the leg of a couch and it had to be bandaged. The x-ray showed a small crack at the center tiny toe. Now I am in pain and I can't walk fast and everytime I set my foot down,  the pain is excruciating. Even when I am resting it, it pained me. At times it throbs so badly that my tears fell. Doc said I need it needs to be bandaged for at least 2 weeks and it all in, it may take around 2 months to fully recover. I am asked to rest my foot more but how am I to rest when I've got so many chores to do and marketing too?

This morning I took off my bandage so that I can wear my slipper to do marketing and the pain was terrible. But there is nothing I could do. I can't even wear anything except slipper but with the bandage on I can't even put my slipper on and so I had to take it off. I bandaged it back when I reached home. Lets hope the pain will ease as days go by. 

So what do you think? Am I unlucky or am I really jinxed?

Guess its been awhile since I last log in. Many times I have wanted to come in and post what I feel but its seems as if I don't have any mood to do anything.My feelings and emotions is going up and down like a yoyo. My emotions have been so bad till some of my friends were worried. One of them even asked if I have been dumped by my boyfriend.

Guess every relationship will encounter problems sooner or later. I guess I am not a perfect girlfriend. Eversince he met me he has been perfect. Though at times I have my doubts but it maybe its mainly coz I feel insecured. I should not have any doubts about him as he has changed for the best.

Guess the problem is ME!!! ME!!! ME!!! Sometimes I feel I don't deserve him. many times I wanted to let it go. But when I think about my life without him, I feel so dead inside. Each time I want to end it, but I ended up being unable to mean it.

Nowadays we spent less time with each other. For me, coz I have my studies and also many things to do. For him, its coz his laptop is too old and there are many games he can't play so we can't spend much time ingame as before. I feel rather lonely. We spend less time on the phone as I do not want him to waste too much money on phone credit. Haiz I really don't know what to do.

I love him so much till it hurts. But one day I will really need to make a decision about it.

Sometimes life can be so unfair. After all you have done, yet some people do not appreciate it. No one is perfect. Just one small mistake and I get all the blame. I have tried to be a better person. I tried to improve myself but it's never enough for them. What do they want from me? I really hate the threatenings. They know I am unable to support myself. What am I to do? I am still a student!!! 

Sometimes I wished I am dead dead dead!!!!

Walking and talking zombie

Wow it has been so many days I did not update my blog. Reason? These past few weeks have been a bad week for me. Why am I feeling as if my depression is back to attack me again? I thought I have overcome it but here I am feeling almost the same few years back after my parents passed away. I am feeling the wall that I have overcome so many years ago is back to torment me. I don't know why all of a sudden these feelings are back.

Could it be because of my studies or my family? Everyday I am being blamed for my past mistakes even when I do not repeat the same mistakes again, they will sure to bring it back and remind me. No one is perfect!! I think compared to some other teenager I am much better as I am able to do many things some teenagers are not able to do exp. cooking, housekeeping, ironing even helping to take care of a sick old man. What more do they want me to be? 

All I could do is keep quiet. But when I keep quiet, they'll say they are talking to the wall. If I answer back they'll say I am an ungrateful child. If I get angry, they'll beat or pinch me. So what can I do? Sometimes to avoid them I will lie down on my bed at stare at the ceiling. I don't want to be like this. I am scared. I don't want to be depressed anymore. I want to tell myself I am through with depression. But am I really that strong? Can I make it through?

BOOKS!!! Money or your books?!!!! Should I choose books?

These are just some of the books I took a couple of months ago. Since then I have collected more.

I just can't get enough of reading books. I love reading. I started reading at the age of 3 and till now I have never stopped loving it. I won't get bored of reading even if I read the same book for 10 times. I remembered once after I have gone through all my books over and over again, I was going through my bookcase and I saw my bible and can you believe it? I went and read the whole bible. So now you know how crazy I am about books. Well for some girls they love flowers or diamonds but for me? Give me a book anytime and you are my friend for life hehe.

“He that loves a book will never want a faithful friend, a wholesome counselor, a cheerful companion, an effectual comforter."

Emotions : You are killing me

Why? Why? Why? Why am I feeling so emotional these day? Am I a problematic teenager? Why emotions are so highly strung and I feel as if I am a walking and talking time bomb. How do I get over it? I get angry easily. I cry easily. Why don't I get any support from my family? Instead they are the cause of all my problems. 

I need some freedom. Don't they understand? I am like a bird in a cage. A prisoner in my own house. I need fresh air even if its just for awhile. I am not allowed to go out. When I use my computer I get scolded. I make mistakes I get screamed and shouted at. What do they want from me? If I am such a burden, they should not have guaranteed to be my guardian. Why don't they just leave me in the orphanage? I am sure my life would have been better. 

All I need is for them to love me a little. Is that a lot to ask for? Even if they can't love me, at least show a little kindness or appreciation to me. I think I deserve even that. I can't answer them back or I will be called an ungrateful girl. Sometimes all I can do is scream on my pillow to let out my frustration but even that is not enough. 

Please God help me!!! 

A dream worth dreaming...

Somewhere in my dreams I hear your voice

Whispering gently....into thin air
At the edge of the mountain I close my eyes
Sensing your breathing...feeling you appear there

On the edge of my dreams I see your face
A twin soul......when we share eyes
At the edge of the mountain I catch my breath
Touching our finger tips...mouth goes dry

In the shadows of my dreams I taste your lips
So soft against mine like a warm rain
At the edge of the mountain my heart slows
Sharing our every breath....two hearts don't refrain

In the deepest part of my dreams I feel your touch
Breathless....from the warmth of your skin
At the edge of the mountain I open my eyes
Seeing only clouds....feeling.... within

On the edge of my dreams is where I want to stay
It's there...I'm forever in your arms...safe...sound
At the edge of the mountain I'll remain breathless
For me.....no greater love will ever be found

Will you always be there on the edge of my dreams?
Will you always meet me to the edge of the mountain?

I will wait for you...be there for you....always.

Bad day

I had a terrible day yesterday. Everything seemed to wrong. Nothing seemed right. Reasons?

1. Brother in law's off day. (quarrelled with him becoz he broke my slipper and now he won't buy me back a new slipper..that was my one and only slipper..now I've got to save money and buy one)
2. School. (hate the guy who sits next to me..haven't I given enough hints that I am not interested?)
3. Has some arguement with my bf. (why..why..why)

Let's hope today will be a better day.

Can anyone understand me?

There's this thing about my blog. It's that it's very dull and bland. Why is that so? I have tried to make it more interesting but I have got no idea what to post.The thing with me is that I easily forget. But then, if I got into something or someone I will have flash backs of what I did before. MAYBE I have a minor [or major] memory loss but I am still capable of remembering things if I want to or if somebody mentions about it.

Most people who has their own blog are happy people. Happy-go-lucky who has interesting days to share about. They do not only have the least of the problems but if they do have they just do some kind of a thing and *POOF*, Adios, problemo!

I know, I know.

I should be the same, ain't that right?

But there's the thing, I am not a happy girl. In fact, I'm an emotional person. On the outside I show people I am a happy go lucky girl but actually I am not. I tried to be 'happy' for a period of time but, hey, life's tough!

The only thing that is motivating me to keep on going was my studies and my boy friend.

I want to get my best result.

I want to achieve my dreams.

WHY?

Because I want to get away.

I don't wanna face the problems I'm having now.

I am done with it. I need something new or fresh.

God, guide me please.

My Bed

Woke  up late and missed school. Why? Caused it was raining early in the morning and when my alarm rang I switch it off and told myself I will sleep for another 5 mins and I ended up waking up at 8.30am. Arghh... but I am lucky today's class is more of a self study project so I guess I will have to do it at home. As if I am not used to studying alone. I'd rather study at home as I can concentrate more coz my classmates are one hell of a noisy group especially when there are no teachers around.

Well, I have done my house chores so here I am trying to feel up my blog. I am trying to make it a habit of blogging at least once a day if time permits. Hope today will be a nice and peaceful and stress free day for me. I WANT TO GO BACK TO BED!!!! But guess I can't. Now I need to do some studying.

Ciaoz!!!

Lefty?

Lefty?

I dunno what happened, but maybe it's coz I had a bad day at school and that's why I feel all emo-y.
O.O

Well, today I found out  few of my classmates who's a lefty, like me. =D
Here's a research I did while I had nothing to do:
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First, Some Left-Handed Statistics

About 10% of the world’s population is left-handed. There is a genetic component that determines right versus left-hand dominance, and it’s called the LRRTM1 gene. People with this gene are more likely to be lefties.
The speech centers of right-handers and most left-handers are in the left brain. The left brain focuses on syntax a
nd order, while the right brain monitors context and emotions.
Some of us are “mixed-handed” people, which means both hands are used equally.

Psychological Characteristics of Left-handed People

• Leadership. About 66% of American presidents in the last 30 years were left-handed men. Bill Clinton, George H.W. Bush, Ronald Reagan, and Gerald Fold were all left-handed presidents. Bar ack Obama and John McCain are both left-handed.
• Quick thinkers. Studies have shown that lefties are “exceptional.” Australian research shows that left-handed people think more quickly when playing computer games or sports. Left-handed people also tend to earn more money.
• Sexuality. Research from Canada reveals this interesting quality of left-handed people: they’re more likely to be homosexual.

Personality Traits of Lefties

• Independence: Some experts believe left-handed people are more independent because they’ve had to get along in a world that’s not made for them. Dr Peters says that lefties are “slightly more resistant to social pressures, to have more of an independent streak.”
• Adaptability: Canadian research shows that left-handed people are more adaptable than right-handed people. That is, a lefty can use her right hand to do tasks much easier than a righty can use his hand. Left-handed people seem to be able to switch over more easily.

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I am just a girl

I'm just a girl who needs attention though did not request any.
I'm just a girl who doesn't want or need to impress people but truth be told, I'm doing so.
I'm just a girl who secretly dreams of living in a fairytale.
I'm just a girl who wants to fulfill my family's expectation but still holding onto my dreams.
I'm just a girl who always loses hope in myself.
I'm just a girl who wants to be invincible yet wanted to be needed.

I'm just a girl.. who's lost in the darkest of night.

I'm just an ordinary girl.

Headache but in the end there's satisfaction

Well spent a few hours wondering how to add a playlist on my blog so that my visitors can enjoy some of the music I love. Went to so many sites and asked friends. I almost gave up but in the end I managed to do it. Hehe I am so glad. Now I can slowly think of what I should post on my blog to make it interesting so that you all won't be bored. Here are some quotes I would love to share with everyone.

This tree Is not only a tree
It is a friendly tree, that is always watching over you.
This tree Is not only a tree
It is a magical tree.That makes miracles happen,
Hopes become realities, And nevers become alwayses.
This tree Is not only a tree,
It is where everything started.
It is the tree of life.
~Mia Ocean

If you are alone, I'll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder. If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow. If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile. But anytime you need a friend, I'll just be me.

Life, Love, Quotes and Poems

I have always wanted to make a blog of my own. So after much encouragement from a good friend of mine I have finally done it. I am still new in blogging so please excuse me if I made any mistakes.

Here's a little something about myself. I am 19 years. Still studying. I love to read and play computer games. Books are my life. I love poems and quotes too so I will be posting alot of them too. Guess that's all I can say about myself for now. Enjoy.